Introduction
Have you ever caught yourself defending a decision that you know was wrong? Or clinging to a belief that doesn’t really line up with your actions? That, my friend, is cognitive dissonance. It’s when your brain’s playing tug-of-war between what you believe and what you do. This concept is explored in the book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) by Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson.
In the book, they break down how we go out of our way to justify bad decisions just to avoid that nagging inner conflict. The result? We end up feeding ourselves a load of BS, avoiding personal growth, and staying stuck. But this is where Stoicism can help, providing a rational and self-aware approach to handling dissonance. Stoicism offers a way to face cognitive dissonance head-on and use it as a tool for personal growth instead of self-deception.
In this post, we’ll take some notes from Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) and mix it up with Stoic wisdom to give you practical steps for handling cognitive dissonance and growing through self-awareness. Let’s cut through the crap and get real.
What the Hell Is Cognitive Dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance happens when your actions don’t align with your beliefs, leaving you feeling uncomfortable. Instead of owning up to it, we tend to justify our actions, change our beliefs, or just ignore the conflict. In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), the authors show how we’re pros at defending bad choices—not because they’re right, but because admitting we screwed up hurts the ol’ ego.
We justify things like lying, cheating, or being a hypocrite to dodge that nasty feeling. But here’s the problem: that creates a whole new layer of self-deception, which holds back your growth.
How Stoicism Helps You Handle Cognitive Dissonance Without BS
Stoicism offers a no-nonsense approach to getting out of the self-deception trap. Stoics like Marcus Aurelius and Seneca preached radical honesty and living in line with your values. By practicing Stoic principles, you can stop making excuses, own your mistakes, and use them as opportunities to level up.
1. Get Brutally Honest with Yourself
In Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), the authors explain how we instinctively protect our self-image, even when we know we’ve messed up. Stoicism, on the other hand, demands that you face your mistakes, look them straight in the eye, and get real.
Stoic Move: The next time you catch yourself in an internal tug-of-war between your actions and beliefs, ask yourself: “Am I being honest, or am I just making excuses?” Stoic practice is all about catching yourself in the act and replacing those excuses with brutal self-reflection.
Pro Tip: Marcus Aurelius practiced daily self-reflection to keep his actions in check. Try this: every night, write down the decisions you made throughout the day and ask yourself where you fell short of your values. When you catch yourself making excuses, break the cycle by being honest. It’s time to ditch the BS.
2. Own Your Mistakes, Don’t Sugarcoat Them
One of the biggest lessons from the book is that we hate admitting our mistakes because it threatens our sense of self-worth. Stoicism says, “Screw that.” Mistakes are part of life, and the only way to get better is to own up to them. Stoics don’t see mistakes as catastrophic—they see them as steps toward wisdom.
Stoic Move: If you’ve acted against your values, don’t beat yourself up. Skip the pity party. Instead, acknowledge the mistake, learn from it, and focus on how you can do better next time.
Pro Tip: Think about a time when you justified a bad decision. What would Marcus Aurelius have done? He wouldn’t have seen it as a disaster—he’d see it as a learning opportunity. Do the same: stop making mistakes a big deal and start treating them like stepping stones to self-improvement.
3. Make Peace with Being Imperfect
One of the key lessons from Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) is that we all strive to be perfect little beings. But when we inevitably fail to live up to that image, cognitive dissonance kicks in. Here’s the kicker: Stoicism teaches that perfection isn’t the goal. Living in accordance with nature—flaws and all—is what matters.
Stoic Move: Quit chasing perfection and focus on being honest and virtuous instead. Stoics knew that you can’t avoid screwing up—it’s all about how you handle those mistakes.
Pro Tip: The next time you catch yourself trying to defend a mistake, practice saying, “I messed up, and that’s okay.” Turn that inner conflict into a learning moment by asking yourself what you can do differently next time.
4. Focus on Intentions, Not Appearances
Stoicism puts a premium on living according to your core values and intentions, not on how things look from the outside. Tavris and Aronson point out that we often justify our actions to preserve a positive outward image. But the Stoics don’t give a damn about appearances. They care about whether your actions are aligned with your values.
Stoic Move: The next time you’re about to make a decision that might cause cognitive dissonance, ask yourself, “Am I doing this because it’s aligned with my values, or because I want to look good?” Stoicism is about living rationally and ethically—without giving a damn about what others think.
Reflection Time: Write down your core values and compare them to your actions. Where are the inconsistencies? What can you do to live more authentically?
Conclusion
Cognitive dissonance is part of being human, but how you handle it is up to you. As Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) shows, it’s easy to fall into the trap of justifying your actions to avoid guilt. But Stoicism offers another option: face your mistakes, learn from them, and live in line with your values.
By combining Stoic reflection with the insights on cognitive dissonance, you can gain deeper self-awareness, reduce inner conflict, and live a more authentic life. Remember, it’s not about avoiding mistakes—it’s about growing through them. So stop feeding yourself excuses, and start getting real.